Aesop Games II: Lion V Unicorn
by Ek01
Summary: A sports drama in the vein of Rocky, based on the classic children’s poem. In an alternate world set in 1984, humans do not exist, only animals—and a local failing sports station pits a hot-blooded, egotistical male lion boxer against a young, yet strong unicorn woman boxer, in order to get more viewers.
1. Prologue

"...The lion and the unicorn

Were fighting for the crown

The lion beat the unicorn

All around the town.

Some gave them white bread,

And some gave them brown;

Some gave them plum cake

and drummed them out of town.

And when he had beat him out,

He beat him in again;

He beat him three times over,

His power to maintain."

So says the classic poem, but what would happen if this actually occurred?

Well, it did happen, and here is how it went down...

In 1984 there was a sports company that showed programs in the local news stations, but it was greatly failing in the coming years, because they weren't keeping up with the times. Even in the glorious era of He-Mammal, Michael Jackal-son, and welfare from donkey president Ronald Bray-gan. One brilliant reporter, however, had the idea of pitting a man against a woman in a certain sporting event where it would seem the man had the upper hand over the woman, yet the woman would also be quite athletic and eventually triumph over the male—an empowering event, if you will.

But which sport to choose?

"BOXING!" Exclaimed the manager, who was a pig. "THE PEOPLE GO CRAZY FOR BOXING! Just like that fellow, Muhammed Birdy! He managed to take down someone like George-rilla Foreman so surely one of the women athletes'll be able to destroy a man!"

"Sir, you're sounding quite PC for someone who protested against black-furred animals from attending college with animals of normal fur tone." The interviewer said.

"Well, this is the 1980's!" The manager exclaimed. "Everyone's gettin' hip and stuff! Now go tell that egg-layin' flamingo maid Consuela to fix up the stadium!"

"Will do, sir..." said the interviewer, after that hypocritical comment his manager made.


	2. Chapter I: The Interviews

After the sport was decided, the team decided to focus their interviewer, a penguin, on talking about what the two athletes thought of each other.

The athletes in particular were Rex Lionson, a very muscular lion athlete who had won many trophies (and as such, thought himself to be king of the hill), and Barbara Magicgumballpopcornman, a small-town, humble, woman athlete of unicorn descent (the first of her kind in her town).

The interviewer met with Rex as soon as possible. Rex was lifting weights at the local gym, and hanging out with his friends—a local gang of lions, tigers, and hyenas known as the "Apex Gang".

"I could totally kick her ass." Rex said, spitting out some chewing tobacco and beginning to lift up a massive weight with total ease. "Yeah, bet I'll kill her in the first round..."

"Y'do know that...uh...killing contestants was banned in 61', right?" The interviewer asked.

"...uh...I CAN'T kill her?!" Rex replied.

/

When interviewing Babs, however, she had a different story...

The interviewer met with Babs on a Wednesday afternoon in her own home. Babs was a unicorn of about 23 years old, and though she was rather small compared to Rex, she had a considerable amount of muscle compared to the lion, much like panther actress Grace Jones, or one of the women on Animerican Gladiators.

"—Rex is just one of those people that's a product of what money-guzzling steroid companies do to the media today." Babs said, drinking a homemade smoothie. "He's so puffed up, he's like an ego balloon. But here I am, with my horn, ready to pop him while he's not even acknowledging my existence..."

"So, do you ever like, work in the kitchen?" The interviewer asked.

"...now where would you get such a dumb question like that?" Babs asked. "NEXT QUESTION!"

After the interviewer was done talking with Babs, it was decided that the fight would take place the following month. Ergo, both athletes had only two weeks to train, and little time to prepare before the show was to take place (and be broadcasted live on pay-per-view).


	3. Chapter II: Training

For the next week or so, these animals trained harder than they ever did before.

They both got gym memberships.

They both ran up the stairs of the local stadium multiple times.

They both drank the same amount of egg yolks.

Rex and Babs pretty much trained around the same areas, yet they trained during different time intervals. For instance, sometimes Rex would enter the gym at the same time Babs would leave, or vice-versa, much to the ire of their instructors.

Babs lifted multiple weights that were at least twice as large as she was, attracting the attention of multiple gym-goers and "Material Girls". One of these girls, an iguana (dressed like current pop icon Meowdona) approached her from behind, and giggled.

"Like, miss Babs," the iguana chuckled. "You, are like, MONDO strong, like She-Ra!"

"Thanks." Babs replied, and placed the weight down.

Meanwhile, over at another gym, Rex was training so hard, he filled an entire bucket with his own sweat. One of the members of his gang approached him on the elliptical machine, and asked him something.

"Dude, like, you're actually gonna kill her?" A tiger asked.

"Well, YEAH!" Rex exclaimed. "I mean, a woman's place is in the kitchen, or massagin' her man's feet. She deserves to get beaten.."

"But Rex," the tiger said. "It's not okay to hit a—"

Rex immediately stopped working the elliptical and slammed the tiger to the wall, holding him by the throat.

"WHAT ARE YOU, GAY?!" Rex exclaimed. "If you are, I'm not gonna have some sissy FAGGOT on the APEX GANG! GET OUT!!"

Rex released the tiger from his grasp. The tiger sadly walked out the door of the gym, struggling to hold back his tears. Before he left, he turned around to face Rex.

"...I hope she drowns you in your own blood..." the tiger said before he walked out completely. "...asswipe."


	4. Chapter III: The FIGHT!

The local stadium was packed to the brim with millions upon millions of animal spectators, all eager to watch the fight taking place. Adults that bought their children, however, had to leave, because once they got there they were told there would be blood (though some kids snuck in, unattended).

A very sexy poodle strode our onto the ring in a pink bikini, holding a massive "ROUND ONE" sign, signaling the fight would begin shortly.

Once the time began, the lion and unicorn stood up, and walked closer to each other. The bell rang, and the audience gave massive cheers.

Rex threw a few punches, but Babs blocked them. Babs took in a slight breath, and upper-cutted Rex, making him move back slightly as the crowd gasped.

Rex spat out a tooth and growled. He went directly for Babs, and socked her right in the face. Babe rubbed her face a little (it was bleeding) but she did not falter.

Babs punched Rex in the gonads, causing him to exclaim in shock. He bent down, clutching his crotch, then dove right for Babs.

"IM' GONNA KILL YOU, YA ONE-HORNED BITCH!!" Rex exclaimed.

The punches between the lion and unicorn went incredibly fast now. It began to seem as both anthropomorphic animals were now evenly, perfectly matched when it came to fighting. So evenly matched, that it resembled choreography.

Then, both competitors decided to head back to their respective corners of the ring, amidst the exclamations of the audience and the white and brown bread vendors.

"He's got you in a bind, girl..." an elephant referee said, massaging Babs' muscles. "Go for the jugular, and you'll take him out good."

"Break her concentration." Rex's hyena referee said. "That's the thing with all dames—all have the attention span of a goldfish!"

Rex stood up, and so did Babs. They started to walk towards each other as the bell dinged again. Babs and Rex stood up, ready to throw their punches, when the lights went out and everything became blackened.


	5. Epilogue

Over 30 years later, the exact same penguin interviewer went back to the story of Rex and Babs, hoping to discover what had happened after that infamous night of battle. As it turns out, both sides had won, and that was for the better. Though the lion and unicorn were now old, they had gotten together on good terms.

"...I'm glad we put that silly fight to rest all those years ago," Rex said.

"Me, too." Babs replied. "Look at this—" she held out her hoof, which had a ring on it. "—we got married two years ago, and recently started a family!"

There was a small crib lying in the center of the room. The interviewer placed the camera to find that inside, dressed in a blue onesie, was a small lion cub. Poking out from it's head, was a tiny unicorn horn. The cub was asleep, and appeared to be smiling, happily.

"That's our son, Rex II." Babs said.

"He's strong..." Rex said. "Like his dad, and tough...like his mom..."

The lion and unicorn kissed, and the interviewer turned off the camera.

End.


End file.
